My MS story

 I was officially diagnosed with multiple sclerosis on March 3rd, 2003 at the age of 19. I've had signs and symptoms as early as the age of 13. Being a teenager, the concerns I voiced were invalidated and brushed off as puberty. In my early teens I noticed occasionally I felt extremely fatigued and had issues with memory and focus.

 Early one morning on a cold February day in 2003 I was driving home from being with my girlfriend at the time over the weekend. As I was driving, I noticed I had visual problems. When I looked straight and to the right I saw fine but when I looked left I saw double. When I finally arrived home, my family said I looked cock-eyed every time I looked left. I made an appointment with an optometrist to see what was going on.

 From there I had a series of blood work done to rule out possible common reasons. I was later referred to an ophthalmologist for further testing. After a myriad of tests I was then referred to a neurologist as the ophthalmologist suspected several issues that were possible. The vision problem I was experiencing was known as 6th cranial nerve palsy. Basically the nerve that controls muscle movement for your eye is experiencing inflammation which can cause your eye not to move in a certain direction. After examination of an MRI and lumbar puncture I was confirmed to having MS.

Systematic Self-Introspection moment

 Third person me: How are you feeling?

Me: I recognize I am feeling an emotion.

What emotion is that?

Loneliness

Why do you feel lonely?

No one really spoke to me today. I feel abandonment.

Did you reach out to anyone?

No.

Why not? Communication isn't a one way street. Abandonment presumes expectation.

I have valid reasons.

What are those reasons?

I'm very susceptible to comparison. I observe the connection people have to others and I wish I had that. They make it seem so easy and effortless. I've attempted to develop stronger connections to people in the past but it was either unequally reciprocated or I didn't have the capacity at the time.

When it comes to comparison, know that no one can ever fill your shoes and vice versa. We are all our own person and have our own path to walk. What is easier for some isn't as easy as others. You aren't in competition with others. The only competition we have is ourselves and the only way to claim victory is to try our best, that is all that is required. Also know that everyone isn't obliged to be your friend. Those that choose to means that choice is extra special because it is from their own free will. Plus, you wouldn't want everyone to be your friend. It is best to have people in your life that is appropriate for you. Sometimes you either have to move on to someone else or find new friends that are more suitable.

What did you mean by you didn't have the capacity?

I'm chronically ill. I rarely feel good, if ever. Which means I have to cancel plans or even have the opportunity to create plans or speak with others. When you are rarely ever around you're not fresh on people's minds which I understand isn't anyone's fault. But it's objectively true that the moments you spend with someone turn into memories that strengthens connection. You develop familiarity over time.

Your real friends will understand you. Simply being yourself and living with your adversities will validate the current connections you have with others. Everyone has their struggles that simply forges an individual into the person they are. If life was any different, you and others wouldn't be the same. A completely different person which may seem foreign. There's a chance people would choose you over a different you and vice versa.

Thanks me! *self high fives*