Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Living with "MS" stands for living with "My Self"

Living with MS is hard to do. MS usually stands for Multiple Sclerosis but in this case M.S. stands for "My Self"

It's so ironic, a disease where your body is fighting your body.  For those who are confused or don't know what MS is, it's a disease where your immune system attacks your brain. It causes disruptions with how your brain operates. For me, it affects my thinking and my speech.

Sometimes I can't speak right. My speech is slurred and have trouble with word finding, and I mean to say something but say something else. It has caused me a lot of grief and frustration. I get so mad at myself because my impairments cause misunderstandings and undesired repercussions that I don't deserve. I feel helpless, like I can't catch a break, and because I can't speak or think well, my attempts at pleading my case  or explaining  myself fail.So the real truth isn't exposed, which affects my relationships with my peers. I usually just give up and let people believe what isn't the truth, I end up feeling like an innocent man going to prison. This is why I have no friends.

I'm tormented by my own self being. I feel like no one can understand me or believe me. I scrutinize and punish myself frequently, I get upset when I say the wrong thing or can't say anything at all. I may as well put a toothbrush between my toes because my foot is in my mouth so much.I really hate myself sometimes.

I wish there was a cure already, I'm getting exhausted living this way. I feel really depressed, I'm going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow.